Sometimes I want to start over with this whole God thing. I think about all that I have learned and know today, those things that have transformed my life, and wonder how much better of a man and a human I could have been had todays revelations been with me back then.

I consider all those I harmed, wounded, lied to, cheated out of truth, mislead, used, didn’t consider, care for or treat with respect, and took for granted in my youth. Years of inventory and admittance of wrongs, trying to amend what can be fixed, and staying out of the lives of those who are better off without another round of me… gave me a crystal clear light into the full blown malady of everything Ryan. Not only was there just blatant rebellion and selfishness, but it was founded on enough pride to offend even the the wise.

Ive spent the better part of 30 years trying to undo the first 20 year of my life – and on top of that, even the undoing wrecked havoc (inside joke for Ray) on many more lives. Even while wanting to do well, and acting on good faith, trying spiritual principles and actions, my foundation was still cemented in fear-based pride whereas I would present myself as I thought I was supposed to be. Regardless of the knowledge being shown, the experience and honest desire to do no harm – I still did more harm than good for the greater part of another 20 years into my 40’s. As I would see the disappointment in the eyes of those I loved at the results of the well meaning but ignorant choices I made, my own heart would break right along with theirs.

Some times I would raise my fist at God and say “What the Hell “Dad”!!??? Why are you mocking my efforts and my honest desire to be Your son and Your servant?” Then it got even worse – ALL power was stripped from me to physically function and emotionally function as a normal human. Everything dried up, and we spent the better part of a decade treading water, barely surviving, surrounded by sickness and insanity almost daily that got continually worse while we somehow were always made to be responsible for it. Then my wife and I lost a child, and we lost cousins and family, and both my parents pass away during a pandemic where we were unable to travel or even be there for them. Literally every area of life became a precise study of absolute powerlessness.

I lost my mind – something inside it broke bad. It was pride. My wife watched her once strong, charismatic, energetic, spiritual, hopeful, “can-do”, “everything’s going to be OK” husband fall into a pit of not even knowing who he was – except that everything I touched got sick. Pride – whereas once I was on top of the world as the world desires – had I fallen not because I stayed in the world – but because I left it. WHAT??? I go to God and everything goes to hell??? We even endured mocking and laughter from someone about how we lost a child, and that I couldn’t even be there for my parents when they passed… They laughed in our face, laughed at our God, and spoke the sickest most hateful things in a sing song voice I have ever heard be used to hurt and harm another. Never in my life have I seen an uglier face on someone than that day. (May God bring His truth to their hearts and heal their bitterness). I just stared at them and said nothing at all – and let them berate me to my face for the better part of 10 minutes straight. My wife did all she could to stand up for me and defend me during that terrible incident, and what a blessing that was! I love her all the more for it …but where was God?

30 difficult years of honestly trying to change – and where was God? My wife and I couldn’t even grieve without being beaten for it.

It matters not what your conception of God is, these next words can be applied to anyones idea or concept of God. Just replace my “God” word with whatever works for you.

Well – I know where God was. God was right there waiting for me to give up my pride. God didn’t stand in the way of my blessings and peace – I did. I was far too afraid to completely let go of control of the outcomes of literally everything… that I simply and completely destroyed everything trying to “be better and be humble and be good”. And it is true that others have been wickedly evil and rotten, Im not responsible for anyone else of course, nor their part in matters. More importantly though, if I “play god” in the affairs of my life – in essence I have removed God from those areas of my life and chosen to manage them myself. Where was God? Waiting for me to admit my fear of not being God, not being in control and not being good enough for anything. I was afraid of outcomes I did not choose, resentful of outcomes I could not control, and a stupid judge who deemed what was worthy and unworthy about me.

Pride… all of it. Fear is the hidden secret of pride that propels itself into all manner of self deceit so strong that even while seeking honest humility we cannot see it – AT ALL. My fear was so thick and perfected, that I had to be beaten to a bloody pulp emotionally and mentally and spiritually to be able to admit it.

I was seeking reward for doing well – and had not learned at all anything about faith – nor about God. Nor had I yet chosen to do well no matter what. Nor had I yet chosen to love another for no reason at all, except to love them. I was still thinking in human terms. It SEEMS just to receive good for doing good – but actual JUSTICE does good regardless. That IS what justice IS… good. And somehow I was also still the judge of that.

It has become clear to this mind, that not one of us has the power to correct ourselves or to improve our nature alone. No amount of works, effort, laws, rules, discipline, knowledge, education, station or status can better ourselves. NO human power can relieve us of our failings at all. It is a lie we tell ourselves every single day. It is only the power of God that does this for us and only when we have a true desire for it. Desire and to choose based on that desire is all that we have. Everything else is futile and vanity and casted to the misguided tracks and tricks of self propulsion.

DESIRE is the only requirement. If we are courageous enough to admit the truth to ourselves, and to realize that nothing we have ever done has brought us real satisfaction- but only some false and fleeting facsimile of it – then we are ready to make a choice to truly invite ACTUAL power to change into our lives from God, … or not (still your choice). Until we admit such things to ourselves, we will forever be without choice, and remain stuck in the illusion that we ourselves have agreed too and then created. It took me 30 years to unravel the mystery of my own delusion. Oh it’s just hilarious (not) that we of the world believe it to be a healthy reality. For all systems of power are corrupted by it deeply – ALL of them.

I shall try to now be brief in what had come to me through all this, and broken the chains of self that bound me.

I am not good – God is good, and God in me is good.
I am not well – God is well, and God in me is well.
I am not strong – God is strong, and God is me in strong.
I am not healthy – God is healthy, and God in me is healthy.
I am not powerful – God is powerful, and God in me is Powerful.
I am not right – God is right, and God in me is Right.
I am not perfect – God is perfect, and God in me is Perfect.
I am not righteous – God is righteous, and God in me is Righteous.
I have no right to judge another’s spiritual worth for Gods grace – God has right to judge another’s worth.
I have no right to judge my own spiritual worth for Gods grace- God has right to judge my own worth.
I cannot stop judging myself until I stop judging others.
I cannot stop judging others until I honestly desire to – and then God takes the evil judge away.
I cannot stop judging myself until I honestly desire to – and then God takes away the evil judge from me.
I cannot fix myself – God fixes me
I cannot fix another – God fixes another
I cannot control myself – God gives strength to do so
I cannot behave myself – God gives education and principle
I cannot improve myself – God gives Wisdom and Understanding.
I AM NOT SPECIAL – everyone is Gods Kids.
I am not the FEARS I had – they were the lies I believed, to avoid punishment, so that I would have to “play god” to be accepted by the world who demands they judge our acceptance.

AND NO ONE who demands we be accepted by them are of Spirit – but of the world. And no spiritual system which demands we be accepted by them is of GOD – but of the world. This is not my judgment, but the judgment of God as we have been shown. The world has its own systems and laws for its own needs of functionality. God has accepted Himself and accepts everyone through Himself – for Himself in us is perfected, whereas no life but our own in us is powerless as it proceeds to the grave.

Forgiveness is the pathway to all understanding of love. Forgiveness always succeeds.

Fear, Pride and Judgment is the pathway to all destruction.
Not One with these has been successful.

And NONE of this means I am bad and wrong and evil and broken. That is still the judge talking. None of this means I am a horrible unworthy sinner that should cry and weep with self pity – THAT IS THE JUDGE talking and accusing! ALL of these realities mean that I have been given life by God, not given life by me – for God is the source of all Life – and LIFE is what is good and LIFE is what is healthy, and LIFE is what is strong and perfect and beautiful. And they who are living in deep darkness, full of curses and wrath, are as worthy of the hearing of that truth of life – as anyone else is. For if they would choose LIFE, they too would live. And as I choose God, rather than choose myself, so too do I live.

Ryan o0o