Though that I will to bring Peace,
I bring destruction.

Though that I will to bring Joy,
I bring sorrow.

Though that I will to be Love,
I am of hatred.

Though that I will to be Life,
I am of death.

What great peace and joy and love and life I have tasted! What awesome power and safety are in such principles. Never before have I known so much fullness of greatness. It bends my ear, gives into my heart, frees the mind, satisfies the soul, and turns the path of one walking man into the path of God.

Though all these are true, it matters not. For that which I hold in my hands to give somehow turns back on those I love. That which I offer in peace, brings them destruction. That which I hold in my heart, hardens the hearts of others. That which I am, reminds them of someone else who was a liar and a thief.

Oh that life would awaken all who walk among the earth! Oh That we would see our ways and our means and our works. What is it that man requires, so that his intent be known in his heart above that which appears to be as other men? What is it that life demands so that man would speak and it be heard? What is it that places justice in his heart, but cannot be known in another? What is it that flips the mirror so that the man of peace is evil, and the evil man is good? Why in the eyes of life is there this day that would tear apart our beloved families from before us?

For all that I have said unto God I say this; my arrogance has destroyed me. My hands have disobeyed me. My heart has not reached beyond me. My words have no home. My flesh is deceiving. My will is absurd.

All that I have desired to give I myself have taken away. All that I have desired to offer I myself have only teased with. All that I have desired to be is precisely what I am seen as not being. All that I AM IS NOT WHAT IS KNOWN. What Irony of life that the very things which are my truth are the very things that are unseen, unknown, unheard, and untrusted!!!

My enemy is more powerful then I. He is able to twist all that I say, remove all that I do, turn all that is good into bad, and bring all that is life into death. My enemy is fortified with knowledge, wisdom, strength, spirit and will, that of which is BEYOND me as a human to stand against. My only course is to stand in the face of my enemy and hear his constant mocking of me, and to see the deception unfold in the lives of those I love and in myself.

So I will give thanks.

I give thanks for the good and the bad.
I give thanks for the life and the death.
I give thanks that even though I cannot hear, cannot see, cannot understand… You still allow me to know the difference.

I give thanks for the love that has been shown to me and to us, and felt in me and us.
I give thanks for the peace that has been brought to me and us.
I give thanks for the harmony I have felt in me and in us.
I give thanks for my life, the life of my wife, the life of the children, and the life of my friends and family.
I give thanks for the moments I have been one with another, and it has been through this that I have known all grace.
I give thanks for the loving kindness You have allowed me to experience.
I give thanks that You exist, for truly it has taught me to wonder.
I give thanks for happiness and for bliss.
I give thanks for this now, my humility and my failure.
I give thanks that I have loved deeply, and loved purely, and loved righteously this one time in my life.
I give thanks that I know my own heart… and it is all that I have of worth to offer.
I give thanks for my wife and her wisdom, her grace, her love, and her desire for truth. May she always bring abundance of perspective and peace to those in need who seek.
I give thanks for my family, and their lives that have touched me.
I give thanks that through it all, no matter how bewildered I may be, that I have with me the presence of these things that have been good and wonderful in my life.

I love You Father, and I am trying to understand.
I love You my Wife, and I am willing to understand.
I love You my Family, and I desire to give of you my open mind.
I love You my friends, and have offered you my honesty.

I surrender all my weapons.
I surrender my will to God,
and my Life to my Father.

Ryan o0o