Why must I fall so far from my own heart?
Why must I feel the awesome power of my own isolation?
Why must I own such powerlessness of expression to another?

Why must I know what cannot be explained?
Why must I feel what cannot be expressed?
Why must I witness what cannot be reported?

My God the heaviness in me is overlooked.
The magnitude of my thinking unrealized,
The depth of my compassion forgotten,
The foresight of my vision damning,
The passage to now is a curse to the present.

I have withered away my own greatest gifts due to the torrent of memory within me. I have set aside myself so that I don’t lose my mind; I have feared the trap and power of my reality greatest of all.

Is it to be that insanity shall be my end?
How can the emotions of one day long ago linger as fresh wounds?
How can moments of joy gone by haunt me forever?
How can those moments of former misery taunt endlessly?
Where a human heart and mind moves on, heals, and grows…
My heart cements each event and adds it to what I must endure of this ever-changing transparent sculpture of life.

What is being sculpted? How I have worked so hard to forget.

Maddening are the seconds of my life.
Back and forth between horrible sorrow, and tremendous joy.
Only then to know the joy is over, ever over.
Reaching then for more joy to combat the sorrow of life’s truth…

An instant and I am there in the past, holding a loved one, feeling the fur of a dog, standing upon on stage, creating a song, laughing with a brother, healing a cat, enjoying a meal. An instant and the loved one is gone, the dog is dead, the stage has dimmed, the music has ceased, the laughter is quiet, the cat belongs to another master, the meal has become greater hunger. In an instant I feel the childhood memories of reaching out for God, and the teenage days of running from God, the cries to God, the peace in God, the confusion of God. In an instant I feel joy and loss never ending.

In an instant the vanity of this life consumes me. Nothing lasts on earth so even goodness perishes into the remembrance of it’s ending. To live in the peace of old happiness is grace, then to live in it’s departure reveals earths fatality. To live in past sadness is damning, and to know it is over reveals that peace shall come. To live with it all always is torture.

Another door opens and joy steps in, more moments of joy, more then before. Another hand reaches for mine, heals, and adds to this growing sculpture. Blotting out everything, I have felt joy alone, without the hounds of hell at my back. The hand departs for a time and again there is the misery of my truth. What sweet sorrow promise holds? What enchanting loss is pleasure? How deeply I hunger for this of life’s most holy mercies? It has been a gift from God that I should for once know a moment with only that moment in my reality.

I look to the mountain of emotions that has become my life. I fear that I cannot hold it all. No longer am I able to harness my will and focus clearly right now for any great period of time. I see this living spec of time right here, this one second, I can comprehend it, I can force myself to dwell there shortly. Then the shadow of my mountain overwhelms me, and I am thrown into all the powerful moments of my life. My will and focus on this moment grows shorter. The events enrapture me, the coming and going, the hellos and goodbyes, the days in the sun, the nights in the darkness. Layers upon layers of heartfelt memories tear at my flesh.

My Mother where are you?
My Father where were you?
My Brother reach for me,
My Sister forgive me.
My lover, my lover, my lover…
Why must my experience take you from me?

I am losing the language to speak to my fellows.
Their reality grows distant from mine.
They are well, they are moving through time,
While all time is with me.

When shall the day come I am lost forever in my wilderness?
How long before I can no longer live in human’s reality of time?
The corridor becomes smaller.
Here, right here is everything I have known.

All there has been exists in me now. All there will be soon encompass the small area I have left of my own will.
The voices are so loud, the passions so great, the wounds too hurt. Emotional feedback grows larger, louder, and too fast to flee.
Over and over again, I relive my life,
Over and over again I try to dismiss the life ahead of me.

Why can I not express this reality to even myself?

God Eternal I have prayed to be among my people,
Each day I grow further from them.

Forgive my desires my God, for I do not know what my reality is for.
I will not beg to be as human any longer, or to know the simplicities created by the passage of time.

I will pray only that my heart is large enough to hold what You would have it know.

I will pray that my mind will survive this tempest to serve Your will.

I will pray that my life be Yours to command.

I give thanks for the moments of peace and of mercy.

I will pray this fallen angel can live long enough, function long enough, manage long enough, comprehend sanity long enough for Your purpose in me to be realized.

Ryan o0o