As a child, I was mellow
Unspoken and shy
Obedient and scared
Dismissed and overlooked
Unwanted and alone
Incapable of real friendship

As a teen, I was wild
Rebellious and obnoxious
A drunkard and liar
A thief and a cheat
Loyal to none but myself
Obedient to my desires only

As a young man, I was crazy
A real drunk and a womanizer
Toying with people’s intellect and heart
Brash, stupid with self-justified malice
A rampant egomaniac and judge
Lustful and disrespectful

As a man, I was successful
Self-reliant and vain
Hungry for more and more
Willful, pushy, and self-righteous
Promoting my own schemes
Wicked in secret and arrogant

And then it all collapsed
The world I made was built by insanity
The pride in me, suffocating
The victim in me, deadly
God took everything I made away
I lost it all – and hurt many

The spirit within was dead
The heart within was hopeless
The body – in angst and anger
Oh, how the fear gripped me
Alone again as when a child
With no blessing to carry me further

I wandered – and ran away
The pain of loss, crippling
The sorrow of failure, frightening
Respected no more was I
Morally, ethically, spiritually spent
Bankrupt in all ways human

So I reached out to God
Admitted my selfishness and pride
Admitted my deeds and works
Admitted my denials and desires
And cried out for forgiveness
And reached out for help

God set me on a course to amend
He revealed what I had ignored
He exposed what I had hidden
He awakened what was dead in me
He listened – for I was sincere
He offered a way out with integrity

In time, God revealed the reason
For my childhood – and made it right
For my youth – and showed me why
For my adulthood – and all I harmed
He offered me a way to restore
And He revealed the purpose to it all

I was crushed and humbled
And no longer wished to be me
Then God showed me a reality
That I had never actually been – me
I was fear-driven; I worshipped fear
I was flesh-driven and hadn’t awoken

In time, each and every terror
And all the damage I did
Were no longer a thing of shame
But became a thing of strength
For of it all – did it destroy the false Ryan
And by truth, repaired relationships

No part of my past is meant to be buried
But rather to guide and teach
To reveal and present choice
To offer to those in need
To share with those who seek
To remember the lie I once believed

Through time, I saw my true self
And it was who I had wanted to be
A man of worth and heart
A man of acceptance and peace
A spirit with huge potential
And a never-ending growth to life

As it is – I HAD to be everything wrong
So that I would know what is right
I had to destroy – to desire to build
I had to break – in order to create
I had to lie – to want truth
I had that life so that I would desire…

THE REAL LIFE

For this life isn’t about
Jobs and money or gain
Politics and intelligence or pride
Success and prestige or fame
Security and safety or power
These all perish in the grave

This life is about OUR life
Our spirit and truth and choice
Our journey to God and others
Our shedding of fear and judgment
Our love and our bond to all life
Our awakening to our real spirit

We learn through progress
Or we learn through pain
We accept through humility
Or we accept through force
We are bound to living
Or we are bound to dying

Nothing, absolutely nothing
Matters more than the truth
Not all the wealth in the world
Even comes close to your worth
And nothing we knew humanly good
Is truth to who we are – as God’s kids

There is no choice without truth
There is no choice
Without both options in our hand
Whether we were taught or know
And whether we experience or do
Both are required for choice

And because of this fact
No wrong can’t be made right by God
For all existed by God in the first place
To offer you that choice
And turn darkness to light
And selfishness to love

Regrets? Yes, there were many
But now they are invaluable
For of them – have I become me
And made the choice to live
And made the choice to follow God
So the false man died – that the real one…

LIVES

Ryan o0o