If I am to agree with myself today
And look to myself in agreement
That I am acceptable to me
And who I have become
Is what I stand behind
As who I am meant to be today
In defence of myself and my position
And defence of my opinions and beliefs
And able to uphold such things
For personal security and function
Even that I can speak them to another boldly

Then what of my past do I not need?
For if all that I am today I accept today
With wisdom that tomorrow brings more
Then what of my past was not needed?

Did I not need my mother or father as they were?
Or my siblings as they were to me?
Did I not need the doomsday cult
Before they realized
They worshiped the god of shame
And not the God of forgiveness and love?
Did I not need to seek death
In order to find life?

Did I not need my fathers illness and recovery?
Or my mothers journey into humility?
Did I not need the debauchery of my youth
And all the mistakes and insanity I myself did?
Did I not need the music made
And the brothers created by the making of music?
Did I not need the paths of pure self exploration
Found in the world of Hollywood
Or the people who showed me liberation
From man’s idea of normality?
Did I not need the failures and successes?
Was the pride and arrogance of my youth
Unnecessary to the man I am today?

Did I not need the failed marriages
And bitter relationships?
Did I not need the hurt
And the recognition of the hurt I gave others?

Did I not need to lose everything
And destroy everything in my hand
That I had made
So that I could understand
What truly mattered?

Did I not need to begin again
And to truly love another
For no reason but to love them
Because I do?

Did I not need to be forgotten
And step off the throne of my youth
To be a fool to the foolish
So that I would find my actual self?
Did I not need to lose my child
In order to learn to trust God?

What could I give up
That would not change me today
Into a person I would not agree with?

For if I accept and proclaim
My own position today
That what I think, I stand behind
And what I feel, I stand behind
And what I desire, I stand behind
And what I hope, I stand behind…

Then I must accept
That all I have done
And all I have experienced
And all I have felt
And all I have endured
And all I have lost
And all I have found
And all I have been denied
And everything that ever happened
In Every single moment
was NEEDED

And I must reconcile it all
That it was for the good
In order to accept who I am

Otherwise I am a liar to myself
And I am a liar to you

And I cannot stand behind anything I say
Or feel
Or know
Or desire
Or want
Or think
Or believe
Nor could I say what is Good and what is not
Or what is Beautiful and what is ugly
Or what is right and what is wrong
Or what is healthy or unhealthy
Or what is honest and true

For I would have to deny myself
That what took place did not affect me
To be who I am today
And I would have to disagree with myself
And say I am unworthy of my own respect
And unworthy of my own life
And unworthy of my own experiences
For they were all wrong
And made me therefore all wrong as well

Even if a man says he has chosen not to be moved
By the events of his life
Then his spoken choice was still because
Of the events of his life
In acknowledgement of them
And the denial of their effect on self
Is still acknowledgement of the affect
And still was it experienced

How can I say either way that I know myself?

He who has accepted himself today
Has reconciled himself to his past
As acceptable also
And he who does not accept himself today
Has not reconciled his past

And he who is not acceptable to himself today
Cannot find acceptance tomorrow
Nor growth, nor peace, understanding or wisdom
Without acknowledgement of what is unreconciled
And honest forgiveness to himself and others
And to his God or belief

And he who is not honest with himself and others
About his self disrespect and fear
About his shame and anger and pain and sorrow
Remains in denial of self
Lying to himself of his acceptance
And to all others a liar also
For all that remains is an image made
For ourselves and others to see
Of what we are not

He who will not admit his own lie
Will live in self pity, resentment and powerlessness
A spirit trapped in lifelessness
But he who acknowledges his own lie
To his own self
Will desire to seek acceptance of self
And that desire will turn his feet to truth

He who has reconciled his past
Prepares the way for his future
Is mired not in the quicksand of time
Nor stagnant to his own growth
For in the acceptance of his past
Does he find the acceptance of himself
And how everything was needed
That he would be made free and secure
With integrity and honesty
Knowing with that humility
Tomorrow will reveal another thing
To reconcile

And that such awakening
Leads always to greater power
Greater Knowledge and Understanding
Greater Wisdom and Serenity
And Greater love for all of life
And Greater connection to the Creator of it.

Ryan o0o.